


Lost on you

by Wonkyun



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Control Issues, Depression, Derek is Not a Failwolf, Eating Disorders, Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pain, Scott is a Bad Friend, Self Confidence Issues, Stiles Stilinski Has Low Self-Esteem, Stiles is Pushed Out of the Pack, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 22:47:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13491408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: Stiles isn't stupid, he knows he needs to eat, knows he needs food for nutrients and energy and to survive, but just looking at the cafeteria food makes him gag.





	Lost on you

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> Eating disorders  
> Mild suicidal thoughts/ideation 
> 
> Inspired by:  
> Lost on you - Lewis Capaldi  
> Never enough - Loren allred  
> Mercy - Lewis Capaldi

145 :

Stiles isn't stupid , he knows he needs to eat. Knows he needs food for nutrients and energy and to survive, but sometimes he looks at food and he gags, days when he physically cant force the cafeteria food down his aching throat. Stiles isn't stupid, he knows that what he has going on isn't healthy, but when his life is a mess and he can't control anything that happens, his eating habits are something he can always control, something he can always cling to with shaking thin fingers while everything around him swirls in a hurricane of destruction and disarray.

Nobody notices. The only person that consistently cares about him is Scott, and he's currently off building a pack, a pack which doesn't seem to include stiles anymore, but it doesn't matter, stiles swears he doesn't care , he just stops eating until the ache in his stomach is worse than the ache in his heart. He's down five pounds in a week after Scott enlists Jackson into his new pack , Jackson who bullies and picks on and torments stiles, but it's ok, if Scott and Derek want to make a new pack then Stiles is ok with that, and if it includes somebody that makes his life hell, well maybe it's a coincidence.

Scott sits beside him at lunch , steals his muffin and apologises for not being around so much lately. Stiles can't find it in himself to get angry, to curse and cry and shout that Scott hadn't been around at all for the past three months, scream at him because stiles was so lonely it hurt. Stiles doesnt do any of that though, he just smiles at him and says that alls forgiven, what has to be done must be done. Stiles doesn't say much after that, nods along when Scott sets up a movie night at stiles house and then excuses himself to go find Jackson. Stiles pretends it doesn't sting, just like he pretends he doesn't feel dizzy when he gets up to throw his uneaten lunch into the trash, he's lost his appetite anyways.

 

140: 

Scott doesn't show up. The popcorn goes cold on the coffee table where stiles has set up Spiderman to play on his laptop. Stiles stays in his room, doing sit-ups on the hard wooden floor until he knows his back is as bruised and sore as his pride. So what if Scott didn't show up, stiles has no right to get so upset at that, of course Scott would have other options for his Friday night instead of hanging out with Stiles. Fuck , Stiles wouldn't even want to hang out with himself, no wonder Scott didn't want to. 

 

138:

Scott ,of course, apologises for missing movie night, albeit a week late. He says something about a pack emergency or meeting but stiles knows that him and his new pack just went out to get dinner at the local diner. His dad had told him so, when he managed to come home for the first time in roughly thirty hours, his dad had casually mentioned seeing Scott in town and was wondering why stiles was not with him. Stiles had a million reasons in his mind, ranging from extremely self depreciationing to naive. He didn't voice any of them, instead choosing to shrug his shoulders and tell his dad that he had already eaten dinner and not to order him takeout. His rumbling stomach was a reminder to him that friendships were meant to break your heart.

Later that night when stiles is lying in bed awake, he hears tapping on his window. He knows before he even forces himself to get up, that it's Derek at the window. Derek didn't come to Stiles very often so whatever the reason for his impromptu midnight meeting was probably important, so stiles forces his skinny body off of the bed and throws open the window.

135:

Dereks midnight visits increase for awhile in the following months. It becomes a sort of unpredictable predictable routine, Derek sits cramped up on stiles old desk chair infront of the laptop, searching through website and website to try and piece together the mystery of the week. Stiles just lies on his bed and tries not to think of every single thing going wrong in his life, tries not to constantly wish the ceiling would collapse on top of him. Stiles isn't stupid, he knows that isn't healthy.

Stiles has to wear layers now, he's always cold and shaky and insecure and the absurd amount of layers help him keep warm and comfortable. Stiles usually wears an undershirt, a t-shirt , a flannel and then a large hoodie on top of all of that, even adds a jacket if it's extra cold. Stiles plasters on the smile when anybody questions it or suspiciously asks why he's wearing so much, stiles knows it's not normal and so does everyone else, but just like Stiles himself they refuse to recognise a problem when they see one . 

 

130: 

Derek's surprise nightly visits end as abruptly as they had started . Stiles pretends is doesn't hurt, pretends it didn't happen just as he was feeling happier with his life, pretends it doesn't tear another shred of his heart from his chest. It's not like what happened with Scott, he tells himself, the same Scott who doesn't even talk to him anymore, just gives him that awkward, 'we used to be friends' smile in the hallways. Derek was never stiles' friend so he has no right to be upset, Derek needed a computer with access to information and stiles happened to be convenient, nothing more nothing less.

Stiles has nothing to do during his insomnia nights after that, so he starts running. His dad is never home anyways so he doesn't see stiles sneak out of the house late at night. Stiles runs around town, runs around the preserve , runs wherever he can for as long as he physically can because as long as he's running he's not thinking and as long as he's not thinking than he has control. 

Stiles however has absolutely no control when it comes to Jackson and what Jackson likes to do to humiliate and bully him. A prime example of said bullying is Stiles' current predicament, where he finds himself locked inside of the dark janitors closet in the abandoned wing of the school after school hours. Stiles just can't believe that Scott is being so buddy buddy with a guy that used to beat him up and still continues to bully one of his best friends. The Scott stiles knows would never do anything like that , would never condone any acts of bullying, let alone against one of his friends. Stiles knows that thinking like that won't help his current case anyways so he directs his attention to something that doesn't make his chest ache. 

Stiles end up sitting in that dark closet for another hour before the janitor finishes his job and comes back to put away his equipment. Stiles decides that the rumbling in his stomach is punishment enough for letting Jackson humiliate and hurt him like he did. 

122:

Stiles punches a new hole into his belt with a pair of scissors. It's been two months since he's started running and none of his jeans fit anymore , stiles pretends it's because he's started exercising but he knows it probably has more to do with the fact that he doesn't really eat anymore . Food just doesn't appeal to him like it used to, and that weird spurt of satisfaction he gets when he skips a meal is motivation to run that extra mile, literally and figuratively.

Stiles' dad starts coming home for dinner, a little after stiles stops eating dinner altogether. With the sheriff at home he starts noticing that his son is not eating as much as he was half a year ago, he also notices that stiles is not as healthy looking as he was half a year ago. Stiles just smiles, shovels a fork full of lasagne into his mouth pretending it doesn't make him gag, and assures his dad that's he's eating perfectly fine, teen metabolism he jokes. He tells his dad that he started running lately and that's why he looks so gaunt. His dad buys it. Stiles feels guilty because he knows his dad blames himself, knows that his dad wishes he spent more time at home than at work, thinks that maybe if he spent more time with Stiles then he wouldn't be lonely and sick and sad. Stiles thinks his dad deserves a son much better than stiles could ever be.

Stiles isn't stupid but that line that distinguishes healthy from unhealthy is beginning to blur a little in his eyes. 

118: 

Stiles starts to up his routine of running in the preserve. He runs for what feels like hours and what sometimes is hours, he runs until all he can hear is the pounding of his heart in his heaving chest, the sound comforting in its loud and demanding presence. He runs until all he can think about is the exhaustion dragging his body down, the hunger roaring in his stomach and the blaring pain behind his eyes. Stiles isn't stupid, he knows all the not eating and not sleeping is starting to catch up with him, knows that this will eventually ruin him, but he can't find it in himself to really care, just like he never cares for his safety when he chooses to go running around a dark wood alone every night. 

Stiles used to worry about accidentally running into Derek during one of his mighty runs in the preserve, but he recently over heard Scott talking about how Derek had to suddenly leave to go help out a family member on the other side of the country who was struggling with their pack or something along those lines, stiles couldn't really hear what was being said properly but it did explain Derek's abrupt departure.

Stiles doesn't have friends in school anymore, Scott doesn't spare him a second glance and he realises that the people who he use to consider friends were not actually his friends, they were Scott's, meaning stiles is left with nobody. Stiles pretends it doesn't bother him so much, pretends he doesnt feel the crippling claws of loneliness when he sits alone for every class. Stiles tries desperately to avert his jealous eyes when he sees a particularly friendly group of students chatting in the hallways, or messing about in the locker rooms, tries not to think of when that used to be him and Scott. Stiles sits alone in the library for lunch now, slowly reads through every history book because he hates his present so much that he might as well get lost in somebody elses past. Stiles likes how quiet the library is at lunch, and if there's a no food rule then that's just a coincidence. 

112:

Stiles smashes all the mirrors in his bedroom , throws a huge black sheet over the ones in the bathroom and avoids his reflection in the windows like the plague. He can't even look at himself anymore, the person he sees when he looks in the mirror is not somebody he recognises. When stiles looks in the mirror he sees another boy, a boy with sheet white skin and a sunken gaunt face. Stiles has never been particularly good looking but now he just looks sick, cheekbones jutting out and not an ounce of fat to puff his cheeks out. Stiles never spent a huge amount of time looking at himself in the past but he definitely remembers looking different than he does now. Stiles remembers being average, he remembers wanting to be more, wishing that something about him stood out , but most of all stiles remembers that wanted to look in the mirror and see somebody different. 

Stiles realises his wishes have come true, now many years later, and he's never been more terrified and disgusted with himself , never been more terrified of the idea of hopes and dreams. Never been more terrified of different.

110: 

Stiles stops running as much in the following months and in favour takes up the new hobby of fainting. Unlike running , stiles can take his new hobby with him wherever he goes and he takes full advantage of that. Stiles faints at home in his bedroom after doing fifty sit ups, he faints in the middle of class, slamming his face against the desk in the process. Stiles faints during his mandatory P.E class and again faints in the hallway and again in the boys bathroom, each time just keeling over into a heap and then profusely arguing with whoever saw that he is fine, forgot to eat breakfast he'd say with a shrug, got up late and didn't have time he'd tell another. Stiles has already mastered the art of lying by then so it's really no problem, well it's not a problem until it really is and then all hell breaks loose.

Stiles is running in the preserve when it happens. He knew the moment he left the house at one o clock in the morning that something felt wrong, he had an uneasy feeling in his stomach that was caused more by the sense of impending doom than lack of sustainable food, stiles had eaten a banana before leaving the house. Stiles had only been running for about half an hour when he felt the familiar throb behind his eyes and the intense blurring of his vision, as if his eyes had been glossed over . Stiles can't remember much after that, he remembers the dizziness and the fear, he remembers feeling helpless as he fainted, right in the middle of the preserve at half one in the morning.

Stiles didn't think he was stupid, but maybe he was wrong, because the very thing that had been giving him control was now the reason why he had none. 

 

110:

 

Stiles hadn't seen Derek in about three months when he woke up on his couch. Stiles knew straight away that he was done for, he was cornered, there would be no way out of this, unless Derek decided to completely ignore stiles and his current condition or stiles convinced him that it was not as it seemed. Stiles knew that both of those options were highly unlikely to happen. Derek didn't care about Stiles but he did have a conscious and if Stiles died on his terms, well he'd probably feel guilty about it and want to avoid such a situation from happening in the first place. 

Stiles was right, Derek was not impressed to say the least. He seemed guilty and Stiles for the life of him couldn't figure out why, it was probably because he had left so suddenly and maybe he thought that he could have helped stiles sooner, before it had gotten so out of control, if he had stayed. Stiles wanted to explain to Derek that he really had no part in anything stiles did to himself but stiles couldn't find the right words to express what he needed to be said.

Derek spent a few moments just staring at stiles, as if he was trying to figure out what had happened to the boy from before and where he had gone, stiles definitely related, he had spent many a night staring at the cracked ceiling and trying to figure out where and when everything had began and where it had gotten so consuming.

 

Derek decides that for some reason stiles is his responsibility to fix, stiles doesn't think that's fair, it was stiles who fucked himself up, he should have to fix his problems by himself, not with anothers aid, that was selfish and Stiles definitely did not deserve any kindness or consideration, especially from somebody who didn't even like stiles. 

 

115: 

 

Derek sends Stiles away to a rehabilitation center, stiles hates it at first, he's angry and hurt and confused and everything is so foreign and he wants to go home, because he's sure if he tried now, that after all of this, he would be able to finally fall asleep in his own bed, he's almost certain he could get better by himself, Derek doesn't agree. The first time Stiles father comes to visit they both cry for hours but in-between the sobs and apologies they manage to get everything off of their chests and begin the process of mending their strained relationship. The first time Derek comes to visit, Stiles begs him to get him out of there, Derek just gives him that sad little smile and shakes his head, promises the same thing every time stiles asks the question, one day stiles, he'll say, one day I'll take you wherever you want. 

 

Stiles still doesn't know whether he's stupid or not but he finds himself believing what Derek says , finds himself trusting the man and maybe , stiles thinks, that maybe being a little stupid is ok sometimes, because how can we learn to make the right decisions without making the wrong ones first.


End file.
